Niecy, made with love!

As I age, I look at my life and sometimes I wonder how I got here. Not physically but mentally, how did I make it to where I am. How did I become the woman I am today especially after losing my mom at such a young age? Becoming a woman comes naturally of course by age. We all grow right? But that’s not what I’m talking about. How did I develop into the person I am? Not physically but emotionally, spiritually, mentally. How did I get here? I know for a fact there were a lot of men along the way that helped be the father/brother figures in my life that I needed. And I’m grateful for them. But when I think of the essence of me, I know it’s all the women of my life. There are SO many women who shaped me and this blog is for them. I thank them and PRAISE them for all they’ve done to help me be who I am.

Yesterday during my mediation, I was asked to list words that describe me. I chose the following words: Happy, Positive, God-Fearing, Real, Sassy, Accountable, Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend, Writer, Honest, Loyal, Faithful, Respectful, Empath, Intuitive, Loved, Loving, Forgiving, Forgiven. There were some negative words too, but I didn’t want to focus on those. Part of my meditation was crossing out the words we no longer wanted to represent us, so I choose to not list those words. I no longer want to be those things so I’m not speaking or writing them out loud. Anywho….. I looked at this list and I said where did all of this come from. I know for a fact some of it is just ME. It’s just part of my foundation. For instance, nobody can make me intuitive, it’s just part of me. So, I know some things, I was just born with. But a lot of what makes me Niecy, is from all the women I was and am blessed to have in my life.

My mom! I know for a fact I got my smile from her. I see it when I look at her pictures and in the mirror. But I also got my tenacity, strength, and respect for others from her. I watched my mother leave an abusive husband (my daddy. Great father, horrible husband) and not only start our lives over but THRIVE! She advanced at work, remarried, and moved us into a beautiful home. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. While she was dealing with this horrible disease, she NEVER once complained. She still smiled through it all. Literally! I was recently sent a video of my mom days before she passed away. And throughout the video she was smiling. At this point there was no doubt she wouldn’t survive. We didn’t know how long she had but she smiled to the end. I heard her on more than one occasion tell my stepdad, my aunt, my older sister, grandparents just make sure my girls are ok. Take care of my girls. To her last breath, her thoughts were on me and my sister. So selfless. That was my mom. And by watching her, I learned that I can get through anything and I can do it with a smile. If I’m going thru pain and suffering that I don’t have to let the world know. That’s not to say to hide it. That wouldn’t be good for your mental health. I don’t think that’s what my mom did. I truly believe she did it behind closed doors as to not upset us. I can see that because I remember doing it myself when my kids were little. I never wanted them to worry about me and what I was going thru. I wanted them to just be kids and deal with kid problems. My mom also raised use to appreciate and love EVERYBODY! No matter, color, religion, sexuality. We love and respect EVERYONE! It was one of the reasons we always lived in diverse neighborhoods. I remember my mom telling me she wanted us to know how to interact with all people and not just people who looked like us. She taught me we’re no better than anybody so you respect the janitor just was you would the president. That hit a nerve with me, and I really tried to instill that with my kids. My husband gets along with EVERYBODY on the planet, so he had the same belief. He’s always had friends of all races and we listened to all types of music. It brings my heart joy to see my kids living this same way. I see their friends, the activities they do, hear the music they listen to, and I know that’s all Gloria, my mom. What she passed down to me, has been passed down to them and it’s awesome.

Then there’s my grandmother. She was the epitome of CLASS and strength. My entire life, I never saw my grandmother where she wasn’t Vogue ready. She not only looked good, but she presented class. She had that Dinahann Carroll vibe going. Even when I was little and spent the night and grandma came out in her pajamas, THOSE looked like royal gowns. I don’t have the class my grandmother had in my pinky too but watching her showed me GRACE! She was so graceful. She never raised her voice; she didn’t have to. She was able to get her point across without it. I wish I had a fraction of that but that skipped over me. Lol BUT what I did get from my grandmother was strength. I watched my grandmother not only take care of home, but she built several businesses. I heard stories of her growing up and having to help with her siblings. I heard about her following my grandfather around the globe while he was in the service, all the while still taking care of home and kids. Then I saw my grandmother bury BOTH of her daughters. My goodness! I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. I don’t want to know. But what I do know is my grandmother kept her faith. She didn’t miss a beat after her daughters passed. She continued to keep house, stayed fly, and remained her same mighty self until the very end. I’m not naïve enough to think there weren’t many nights where my grandmother cried thinking of her loss of her girls. I’m sure she did. We never saw it. I think she kept us from seeing it for the same reason my mom hid her tears, she didn’t want us to worry about her. Again, that selflessness shows up in my lineage.

Now I go to my sisters. I have an older sister and a younger sister. They couldn’t be more different if they tried but I love them both and I don’t know if they know but they have such an impact on my life. My younger sister lives a lot like my dad with the “I’m gonna do me REGARDLESS” attitude. She is herself 100% and if you don’t like it, OH WELL! I absolutely love that about her. I take a piece of that with me and apply it at times. She’s also HILARIOUS!! Whenever I’m having a bad day, she can for SURE lift me up. And even though everybody knows about her, I feel like she’s my secret weapon. We talk almost every day and it’s so cool to be able to talk to her about my problems and she gives me advice. It’s always great because she thinks differently than I do so I get to hear a different take on the problem or the solution. It’s been really cool watching her grow into a woman as well and seeing traits of my mom and the other women who raised us in her.

My older sister is the clam one out of the bunch NOW! There was a time when she was the WILD one but with age comes maturity. I think when we lost my mom, she took a different tone with us. Up until that point she was always the big sister who thought she was the boss of us. Lol After my mom died, I think she went into protective mode and felt the need to fill that void. And we happily let her. My older sister has a quiet strength about her. She moves in silence and has such a kind, committed heart. She is very selfless as well. When I became pregnant with our oldest daughter, my sister and brother-in-law adopted her so she could stay in the family. They didn’t want me to miss out on the experience of college and so they took her and raised her as their own until she was 3 and came back to live with me and my husband. But to this day, they treat her as their own. There is still a ton of love between my daughter and my sister. I’ll forever be grateful for her and my brother-in-law for that. And now that we’re older, I’m seeing my sister in a new light. She came to my younger sister and I a few years ago and said she no longer wanted to be in the mother role with us because she felt like she was missing out on the sister relationship. I totally understood that because I did see her differently. Since then, it’s been a LOT of fun and I’m seeing my sister as others see her. She’s funny, dedicated and she CHEATS! Never play a game with her if you can’t watch her like a hawk. She’ll say she doesn’t cheat but come to any family event and you’ll hear us all say WATCH HER! Lol That is one thing I DON’T take from her, but I do take her quiet strength and apply it. I’m learning more and more how to move in silence like she does and it’s proving to lead to more happiness. The less folks know about your business, the better.

Three other women played a HUGE role in my life. My Godmother (my older sister’s mother), my aunt (my mom’s sister) and my mother-in-Law. All three of these women took me under their wing when my mom passed away. I lost them all over the years but a piece of each of them has remained with me. I learned how to cook from all of them. My aunt showed me how to be resilient, tender, and loving. She was also one of the nicest women you would ever meet. She was with me in the delivery room with all my births. She advocated for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. She’s also one of the reasons why I’m married today. When Eric and I had our second child, she told us both, we aren’t going to keep having babies and not be married. Eric proposed not too long after that conversation. He wanted more kids. Lol My Godmother was also the quiet, strong type. She and my mom were very close, so it was like having a TRUE second mom when my mom passed. My Godmother gave advice, made me talk when I didn’t want to, and she was so in tune with me that it scared me sometimes. It was like she knew what I was thinking before I did. She was that old school love that you don’t see much anymore. It was unconditional love. I saw it every time she dealt with my brother. He was more than a handful and she loved him thru it all. I always loved my brother, but I loved him from a distance. Since he passed, I have learned to love people where they are regardless. I attribute that to my Godmother. Since I didn’t learn the lesson with my brother, God blessed me with a son just like him. So, I HAD to learn the lesson. My son and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, but I love him anyway just as he is. The third woman I mentioned is my mother-in-law. WHEW THIS WOMAN! She was NO NONSENSE!! She told it like it was whether you wanted to hear it or not. She could pray for you and quote scripture in one breath and cuss you out in the next. She was a RIOT and we all loved her and LOVED being around her. Her laugh was infectious, and we all miss her cooking. She made Hamburger Helper taste like a gourmet meal. She was just incredible in every sense of the word. Everybody was family and they were treated as such. Besides some of the dishes I cook, I learned to really speak my mind from her. I learned to be a parent first, friend second. I learned that being down to earth and direct was ok but just be tactful about it. I remember her telling me “Toniece once you learn some tact, you’re going to be a dangerous woman.” She was ABSOLUTELY right! I have passed that advice on to some younger women I know. Because of my mother-in-law, I have mastered the art of giving folks a piece of my mind in a very respectful, dignified way with a smile on my face. I often leave them wondering if they were just told off or if I loved on them. Lol It’s an art and watching my mother-in-law showed me how to do it.

There have been countless other women who have laid the foundation of the women I am today, but these are the main ones. I could talk about my daughters, but you’ll hear about them and my sons at another time. My kids teach me something new every interaction so I’m still growing because of them. I blessed to have some awesome friends of all ages and I learn from them as well. They each play such a special part in my life. I have two friends specifically who have lifted my spirituality to a WHOLE new level. Their faith in God is SO strong, it couldn’t help but pour into me. I have such a sense of calm and peace because of these two women, it’s just incredible. One of them I call my soulmate. Because the way she dials into me can’t be described any other way. She seems to know my WHOLE soul and when it needs nourishment.

I’m so grateful for all these women who have been and are a part of my life. I’m better because of them. I can only pray that I have been able touch some women along the way and help them build the foundation of the woman they want to become. I pray they learned just a snippet from me that they want to carry with them and teach others. I’m still learning and growing and I’m grateful God keeps putting beautiful women on my path for me to learn from. Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.