Marriage is not for the weak!

Marriage

There are a lot of people who ask me what’s the secret to a lasting marriage. I guess I get asked this because my husband and I have been married since 1991. There are so many answers to that question. I think the biggest and best piece of advice I can give someone about marriage is that no two marriages are the same. What worked for your parents, sibling or friends may not work for you. Stop thinking you have to have your marriage look like theirs in order to be a success. A successful marriage is one that THOSE two people who took those vows decides it’s going to be.

One of the things I heard early on was when I got married was you have to put your money in one account. My husband and I learned EARLY ON that having joint accounts was NOT for us. I didn’t need him questioning me about my shopping and he didn’t want me questioning him about his sports expenses. So, what works for us is to decide what each needs to contribute to the household, savings, etc. and whatever is left is ours to do with whatever we want. Some folks, mostly men, tend to think you must have one account and they pay the bills. Some give their wife an allowance. That just never would work for me. I am a grown woman who works 80+ hours a week, and I don’t need an allowance! I get a WHOLE paycheck! That word allowance is just childlike to me, so I wasn’t with it. We didn’t even give our kids an allowance. They had basic chores they had to do because they lived in the house. If they wanted extra money, they had to do extra work.

Another piece of advice I give newlyweds is don’t start nothing you don’t want to finish. This is as big as the marriage as small as doing his laundry. If you know you don’t have time to do his laundry, don’t start doing it. Because he will become accustomed to it and the moment you stop, there will be issues. You also can’t start doing something for your spouse and then when you’re mad, stop doing it. It doesn’t work that way. If you’re doing his laundry when it’s all rainbows and unicorns, you need to do it when storms hit too. Just like if he opens the car door for you, you expect him to open it for you regardless if y’all arguing or not.

Don’t invite people into your marriage. Some folks think this means cheating and it could, but I’m talking about your MOMMA. SISTER, FRIEND, etc.! DO NOT tell those folks about what’s going on in your relationship. It’s not their business. Can you reach out for advice on certain situations, absolutely. More than likely you will need to at some point. But don’t go telling your momma every time your spouse makes you mad or y’all argue. There are a few reasons for this. One because it ain’t their business! You didn’t marry your momma, sister, or friend. ANY AND EVERYTHING that goes on in your marriage is between YOU and YOUR SPOUSE!!! You TWO are the ONLY ones who should know what’s going on in your marriage. Another reason is because when you go over and tell your momma how your spouse made you mad, you go home and make up with your spouse. Well, your momma doesn’t see that. Your momma ain’t part of the make-up process so she’s still mad at your spouse. So, when your spouse goes over to your momma house, you can’t get mad if she’s giving them the side eye. She would have NO reason to treat your spouse like that had you not given her the ammunition. So basically, SHUT YOUR MOUTH when it comes to your marriage. The less people know, the better.

Spend time alone together. I don’t care if it’s 15 mins a week. You two better take time to be alone. I MEAN ALONE just you two. That doesn’t mean while you both are in front of the TV or on your phones. It means you two with no outside interference spending time together. I know this may be hard if you both work and have children. But it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary you both find the time. If you don’t, you both are going to be alone after the kids are gone and won’t know who each other are or how to be together. Trust me when I tell you that after 18 years of raising children, you will not be married to the same person. People change and grow so you need to know how to communicate with your spouse thru those changes. So, it’s important to carve out time for you two to be alone. My husband and I took every Friday night as our date night. Now sometimes that was spent at one of our children’s events, but we still made sure to spend time. Our kids got so accustomed to us being gone on Fridays, that when we were home, they were asking us why we weren’t on a date. Sometimes that just meant us locked in the room for hours because we didn’t always have the money to go out. I remember our daughter speaking at our 30th wedding vow renewal. She said I never understood why my parents wanted to be together all the time and why they were always laughing. It’s because we made an effort to be together and spend time. So, we KNEW each other as we grew over the years and once the kids moved out, we knew how to interact and be alone. This may sound strange to some. Like how are you married for all those years and don’t know your spouse. It’s possible. Think about how many people get divorced after the kids leave. If you ask them, they say because they didn’t know the person they were with anymore. They didn’t because they didn’t take the time. Marriage is a commitment in every way, time, love, money, etc. If you don’t COMMIT to the marriage in all the aspects, you will surely pay the price later down the road by way of a miserable marriage or a divorce.

Some people don’t like to say marriage is hard or it’s work because they think it sounds negative. I can somewhat agree with that. But I also hope these folks aren’t sweeping things under the rug in an effort for the marriage not to be “hard” or take “work”. Because while loving the person you married can be the easiest thing to do, LIKING them can sometimes be another story. Times can get hard when one person is growing while another isn’t. (Add in transition and how that’s when arguments happen/not getting along/not liking each other.) I remember there was a time in our marriage where I didn’t like Eric AT ALL! Just to hear the garage door opening to know he was coming home, irritated my soul! To hear his voice made my body cringe. This lasted for awhile too, like months!! I still loved him but couldn’t stand the ground he walked on. Didn’t want to be around him at all. I didn’t know at the time why this was taking place but looking back on it, it was because I was in a transition. I was shifting in my life. My kids were older, and I was trying to figure out how I mother in this new phase. I was getting older and was feeling like my life didn’t equate to anything more than being a wife and a mom. I knew I was so much more than that. So, I was dealing with how to start putting me first and doing some of the things I wanted to do. Had I recognized it at the time, I would have been able to tell my husband and saved us a lot of grief. That was a hard period of time for us because it was backed up with him going thru a transition as well. So, we were in a phase where we didn’t like each other for almost 2 years. 2 YEARS!! YES! And I know a lot of folks would have thrown in the towel. Trust me, I thought about it. Even discussed it with my husband. Told him we had a good run and nothing to be ashamed of but let’s end this. He looked me dead in my face and said, “you need to tell me what I need to do to fix it because we’re not getting a divorce.” I was floored and it was at that time that divorce was no longer an option EVER!! He made it very clear that day.

We didn’t get back to us overnight. As a matter of fact, it took months of us talking and a major change in our life in order for us to get back to one another. Eric had gotten a huge promotion and it was going to take us to Minnesota. If you know us and you’re thinking about that time frame, you’re probably thinking OH MY GOODNESS, it was THEN that all of this was going on. It may surprise a lot of people because we were 20+ years into our marriage when all of this went down. Our youngest was headed to California after high school. So, Eric and I divorcing then would have made sense. We both could have parted and not had to deal with each other (and we would have been a statistic. Another couple divorcing after the kids leave). That was actually my goal. When he told me he got the promotion, I told him to take the job. I was telling him to take it because I didn’t plan on going with him. I thought that would be a great start for us both. He would be there, and I would remain in Colorado. He must have sensed something was up because he said I’m not going if you’re not coming with me and if you decide later not to come, I’m quitting my job and coming back. I laugh now thinking about it. It’s crazy how well that man knows me because he was right on target. But us moving to Minnesota was the best thing for our marriage. Years ago, while sitting at a bar, we met an older gentleman who was married 40+ years. We asked him what the secret was. He said if you can, move away from your family and everything you know. If it’s just the two of you, you will find a way to make it work. Eric and I smiled because at the time we had JUST moved to Colorado and didn’t know a soul but Eric’s boss. So, we thought we were on the right path. Moving to Colorado was the best thing we ever did for our family and each other. Moving to Minnesota proved to be a great thing too. This time we didn’t know a soul out there and for the first time in our marriage, it was JUST the two of us. It was the best 2 years of our marriage. Not because we were alone per say but because we learned how to fight there. We learned how to get thru our transitions because there were many in that short time. So, when it came time for us to leave Minnesota, we were more well equipped to handle our marriage and each other. Now we don’t argue at all. If we disagree, we’ll say our peace and leave it at that. I submit to my husband, so he has the final say. If a disagreement calls for a decision, he makes the final one.

I’m sure I just lost some women with that word submit. Let me tell you about that. I touched on it in a previous blog “I’ll Marry You But…”. But I feel I need to speak on this subject again. Because women still have a hard time with it. I think some feel like they’ll lose themselves or they’re giving up control to their husband. Here are a few questions I have for women who have an issue submitting to their husbands. Do you trust your husband? If you don’t, why are you with him? If you do, why can’t you submit? If you trust him, he’s not going to lead you wrong, right? Do you think you won’t be able to speak your mind if you submit? HAVE YOU MET ME??? I have an opinion on EVERYTHING, and my husband hears them ALL! I didn’t lose myself when I submitted. As a matter of fact, just the opposite. I felt freer to express myself to him because I didn’t have to make the decision. I just had to give my feedback and let him do with it what he thought was best for us. Is your husband a Godly man? If not, I can see you having some reservations about submitting. My husband is a God-fearing man, so he submits to God. There’s not ONE decision made about our home, marriage, or family that Eric doesn’t pray on first. Sometimes we pray on things together, but I KNOW with 100% confidence that once Eric’s made a decision, he’s prayed on it first. So, I am not worried about the outcome. I know we’re going to be good. And ladies let me just say, it’s a WIN/WIN for us when we submit. I tell young ladies this all the time. When you submit to your husband and he makes a decision, that’s all on him. Sure, the family may pay the price, but the ultimate hardship falls on him. If he decides against what his wife said, well then maybe next time he’ll listen to her. If his decision was his solution, well then, he’s happy and it worked out. WIN/WIN. We’re either going to be heard more in the future or the situation worked out. We can’t lose.

There’s so much more to a marriage than I can put in this blog but if you don’t walk away with anything else know this about marriage. If it’s between the right two people, it can be the most beautiful experience of your life. Find a partner you truly want to grow old with and enjoy everything that comes with that. Take divorce away as an option and you’ll find a way to make it work. Laugh a LOT with each other. PLAY with each other. Grow and learn WITH each other. Be the soft place to land for one another. The world is hard enough. Make home a safe space. Learn when you’re transitioning so you can let your partner know and save yourself some hardship. Marriage is a true partnership and if you both know the roles in your relationship, it can be awesome. And lastly, don’t let society tell you what that looks like. YOU TWO define your roles, your marriage and how you’re going to do this thing called life together. It was just YOU TWO taking those vows, YOU TWO are the only ones who get a say on how those vows will be upheld!

Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing. AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER!