I'M NOT OK

I haven’t been able to write these last couple of months because I have been in a serious funk. It had a lot to do with my grandpa’s passing and I know that has a serious impact on what I’m feeling. But it’s deeper than that. I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I did one of my meditations today and the subject was burnout. We had to journal during this session, and it was during the journaling that I realized, I am NOT OK. I’m not. I am feeling like a failure in every aspect of life. I feel like I’m moving backwards in every area. I can’t seem to get myself together and get back to where I was. And in all honesty, I don’t want to go back to where I was, I want to grow from there. But I can’t seem to get on the pathway back to success.

During our journaling session, one of the questions was how are you feeling and where is this feeling presenting itself? When I really started to think about how I am feeling, I started to bawl. I started to cry for myself and how I let myself get here. I’m DRAINED! I’m so drained. I have absolutely nothing left to give to anyone, not even myself. I know I passed my capacity because everything I’m doing, I MEAN EVERYTHING down to a shower, is forced. Replying to a good morning message from a friend is forced. Getting up to exercise is forced and I love to exercise. The weather has been beautiful in the mornings and any other time, I’d be out walking or jogging in it. Or even just sit outside and work. I’m not doing it. I get dressed to go for a walk outside, then get to the door and have NO energy. I literally just turn around and sit on the couch. I get up to cook and sometimes I muster the energy to get it done and other times I just grab a handful of crackers and call it dinner.

I’m starting to see this affect my physical being too. I’m gaining weight because even on the days when I have the energy to get it together and eat right, I’m not eating enough. I’m not supplying my body enough fuel to get through. My shoulders are so tight. I thought it was from exercising but I’m realizing now that it’s the stress I’ve put on myself. I mean my shoulders are so bad that I don’t have full range of motion to turn my head. Eric has massaged them. I’ve gone up to my massage chair, soaked in a hot tub, went to get a professional massage and nothing is helping. It’s because although this is a physical pain, it’s a mental and emotional cause. This pain in my shoulders and other areas where I see it presenting itself in my body won’t go away until I deal with what’s going on with me emotionally and mentally.

I can remember YEARS ago when I was talking with an old supervisor, and I was going thru some things. She said “You must have a place where you feel SAFE. Every place in your life can’t be chaos. I want to let you know that work is safe. Don’t worry about work and do what you have to do to take care of home.” I never really liked that supervisor but that quote stuck with me. I try to live by it and have told others to follow this same advice. Find a safe place. If home is nuts, make sure work is good. If work is chaotic, make sure home is calm. But there are rare moments when everything is in total disarray. There are moments when both are good too. But it’s when you don’t have a safe place to just sit, that things spiral out of control. I want to say I’m at the point where it’s starting to spin but I’d be lying to you and myself. It’s spiraled. I’ve spiraled. Work isn’t bad but it’s busier than normal and right now my counterpart is on PTO so that’s adding to the load. Home in the sense of me and Eric are great. But everything that goes into making our home is out of whack. What makes our home a home is US and collectively we’re good but individually, we’re a mess. I won’t speak on my husband because that’s his story to tell but for me, I’m a HOT MESS right now.

I consider myself to be a low maintenance woman. I don’t need the nails and hair done to perfection. Clear polish and a ponytail suit me fine. I don’t need the brand names and labels. Give me a target handbag and a pair of cut off shorts, tee and flip flops from Old Navy and I’m good. Most days you won’t catch me wearing make up other than lip balm. I’m pretty chill and laid back and all I really need is some good music and sunshine and I’m a happy camper. That’s me as a person. I’m good to go. But me as the wife, the mother, the Nana, the businesswoman, the employee, the friend, the sister, the aunt is way more complex. And it’s THAT me that is tired. So tired that I the individual has nothing left to give to myself. I’m not sleeping unless I take a sleeping pill at 6ish, so I fall asleep by 9ish. I literally don’t eat or drink anything, unless I work out, until noon most days. So, I’m not eating right. And the only water I get most mornings is from brushing my teeth. I have so much I want to do around my house, little projects that won’t take much time, but I just look at the materials and keep going. Some have been sitting for months. I have things that I’m working on for Niecy’s Nuggets that will advance my journey, but I won’t pull the trigger. I look at the stuff everyday and just walk past it. I am working on an enhancement and another piece for Niecy’s Nuggets, but I won’t make the call to make it happen. I have my tools set up to complete the budget for Q4 2022 and Q1 2023, but I just close it out on my computer. Just to THINK about what I need to do is overwhelming. I know I need to break down the goals into baby steps so it doesn’t seem so like SO MUCH but for some reason I can’t right now. I just keep seeing the big picture and I get overwhelmed. I want and need to just sit still and do absolutely nothing. I need to focus only on ME and not have to worry about anything or anybody else. I need to go somewhere so I can cry, scream, punch pillows or whatever to let out this frustration, anger, sadness, and disgust that I’m feeling. I need to do this, yet I don’t see it happening for a while. There’s TOO MUCH TO DO! I know about self-care and I need to make the time for this to happen and I will but it’s about 2 months out. Right now, I’m just trying to hold on until then. I can’t just go “dark” and not be available because I’m in the middle of a lot of things that need to get done. To not finish them would only add on to the pile of what I perceive to be my failures and I can’t. I can’t add one more thing to that pile. Something has to go right. I have to complete something so I can feel accomplished, and my prayer is that will lead to other another thing and another. And eventually, I’ll get back to my happy place.

For all those reading this, NO I’M NOT SUICIDAL. Y’all know I love life and laughing too much to want to kill myself. But I’m not ok. No there’s nothing anybody can do for me. I say that and the little voice in my head is saying YES THERE IS! ASK FOR THE HELP YOU NEED! I’m stubborn that way. I won’t ask. My best friend tried to help me the other day and I quickly turned her down. She may be really upset with me when she reads this because she KNOWS I’m going thru something but won’t tell her. She feels it. She always has. But she is finally at her happy place, and I WILL NOT do anything to interfere with that. She deserves to be 100% happy right now. I blessed to have some really good friends in my life, and I know it wouldn’t take more than a phone call or text to get some help. But I just don’t do that. I just don’t ask for help for myself. I will ask for help if it involves anybody else but for me, I don’t. I know that’s not always a good thing. I know it can be a part of self-care by asking for help. I just don’t. I am the one folks call when they need something so I know I should be able to call on those same folks when I’m in need, but I don’t. I don’t think it’s pride per say, I just don’t like folks in my business like that, I guess. I get it from my dad. It could be a fault but it’s my fault and I own it. It doesn’t hurt anybody but me so I can live with it. I know the steps I need to take to get out of this rut I’m feeling. I’m just going to have to force myself to do it. I can say the crying and writing this all out helped A LOT. I feel a little less tense in my shoulders and I’m HUNGRY which is a good sign. It wasn’t until this very moment that I realized that I haven’t been feeling much of anything lately. Now that I think about it, I was NUMB! I’ve been walking around here like a functioning zombie just not feeling a thing! Writing has always helped me so I shouldn’t be too surprised that this blog brought me some relief.

I hope my sharing this helped somebody else. If nothing else, it lets you know you’re not alone. We all go thru these tough times, but as the saying goes, tough times never last but tough people do. We’ll get thru this. If you’re like me, you have an awesome support system. I just don’t use them to their full potential. Don’t be stubborn like me! Reach out to them and get some help. BUT if you are pigheaded like me, then know YOU GOT THIS!! This too shall pass!!! Let’s commit together to just write down all the stuff we need/want to do. I KNOW it will be overwhelming to see it all BUT then break it down into little bits that you can do. Just conquer one little thing each day and it will add up. Eventually we’ll be out of this funk and back to our normal SUPERHERO selves. I’ll pray for you all and you do the same for me!!

Thank you for reading and letting me vent. I needed this. I needed to get this off my chest, or shoulders rather. I feel better and with this burst of energy I have, I’m going to get started on getting my happy back. But first I’m going to eat. I told y’all I was hungry!

Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.