Grieving. It's not the same for everybody and that's ok!

Grief. Is there a right or wrong way to grieve a death? Some would say yes. I believe most people would expect folks to sit around and be sad for a few weeks. I suppose some would expect all family members to quickly gather to support each other. I on the other hand, think differently.

I have experienced a TREMENDOUS about of death in my life. By the time I was 45, I had lost my parents, my in-laws, my paternal grandparents, my maternal grandmother, my sister-in-law, a brother, a sister, my Godmother, my favorite aunt, my husband’s grandparents, countless cousins, and friends. My mother’s death was the first one I ever experienced where I was old enough to truly understand it. That hit me the hardest. I went to therapy to learn how to cope. I’ve talked about that experience and how it impacted in previous blogs, so I won’t go into it here. But it was ROUGH. The other deaths in my life each hit me differently.

When my father passed, I was of course upset. I am his name’s sake, and I was very close to my dad. But his passing, didn’t leave me gutted like my mom’s. Looking back there are a few reasons for this. One, I had dealt with the loss of a parent so I understood what my life would look like and how it would affect me. My dad was cremated, whereas my mother was buried. That alone made the passing a little easier and it was at that very moment that I knew I want to be cremated myself. My father died relatively young, but he lived a FULL life. There was no other person on this planet that I saw live their life on their terms like my daddy. Sure, he had issues and struggled at times, but he LIVED! Tony Richardson lived his life like Tony Richardson wanted to and he played by his own rules. This was the total opposite of how my mom lived. My mom didn’t get a chance to experience GREAT JOY in her life. She did after she divorced my dad and remarried but it was short lived because she was diagnosed with breast cancer soon thereafter. So, grieving her was a lot harder than grieving daddy. Now don’t get me wrong, it broke my heart when my father died. I cried and was sad, but it was different. I didn’t sit in that sadness for a long time. I smiled more thinking about him. It was during this grieving period that I truly understood celebrating life. Because when I thought about daddy, it was more smiles than tears. I eventually got there with my mom, but it took time.

It was also during the passing of my father that I realized grieving someone can be as unique as the person themself. Your experience with people in your life is different so why wouldn’t grieving them follow suit? I look back now, and I see how each time someone passed, I felt about them in death, how they lived their life. This wasn’t always the case because there are exceptions to everything but for the most part, my grief was different for each person. We all experience that sense of loss, right? We are sad that we won’t be able to see, feel or talk to that person again. I think that is uniform across the board. But once we get pass that initial stage, that’s where the grief can look different.

I remember when we lost my mother-in-law. Oh, how I LOVED that woman. She was in my life longer than my mother and really filled in as a second mom to me. I was fortunate to have an awesome relationship with her so when she passed, it hit me hard. I felt like I lost a mom all over again. Having said that, I wasn’t sad for long, well not for me. During that grieving period, I was more worried about my husband and my kids than myself. He too was very close to his mom, so I just wanted to make sure he was ok. He, like me unfortunately, had lost a parent before. So, he knew what to expect and how his life would change but I still watched over him and our children. This was the first funeral my kids attended, and it was tough on them. They were all really close with their grandmother so walking them thru this process was more important to me than my grief. But something AMAZING happened during this time. Yes, my kids were sad and really missed her but EVERY SINGLE TIME they spoke about their Grandma Dorothy, it was a funny or happy memory. They would talk about her cooking. We all missed that! I watched in awe because I said to myself, my kids get it! They understood that they didn’t have to be sad all the time because someone is gone. I am SO happy we, as their parents, gave them that space to feel that way. I’m sure there are some who would have thought it was inappropriate or everybody should be sad for longer, but we didn’t believe that.

I’m of the mind that once someone close to me dies, I gain an angel. They are in the presence of God. How can you be sad when you think of it like that? There are times when I can FEEL my mom with me. I FEEL my dad, my aunt, mother-in-law, grandma sitting with me. I talk to them when I sense them around. It’s comforting. It’s a reminder to me that they’re not ever really gone but just present in a different dimension.

I think my view on death and grief has changed also with age. Being 52, I know I’m on the back half of my life. I know one day, not anytime soon I pray, someone will be grieving my death. I have told my husband, kids, and everybody around me that I don’t want them to be sad when I die. I DON’T! I know they will be, well I hope they will miss me a little. Lol But I don’t want my husband and kids sitting in grief for a prolonged period of time. I want them to LIVE LOUDLY and have FUN doing it. We get ONE time to live our lives and I want them to live their best lives. I give them FULL BLOWN permission to be totally inappropriate about how they grieve me. They don’t have to follow anybody’s rules when it comes to how they handle my death. I don’t even want a funeral. I want them to throw a BBQ in the park if it’s warm enough and a party if they must go indoors. Celebrate the hell out of my life! Eat well, have a drink, tell jokes, funny stories, get loud, dance, PLEASE DANCE and crank up the music. This is how I live. I’m not a sad, depressing person so I don’t want people to be that way when they think of me in death. And what I’m realizing as I age, is this is how I want to celebrate others when they pass. I don’t want to only be sad because their gone. Yes, I’ll miss them and still ache to pick up the phone to call them. That part of grieving will never go away but it’s not the only thing I will concentrate on. I want to rejoice because I was able to have them in my life and laugh about all the good times I shared with them.

I think the pandemic in 2020 further let me know to CELEBRATE life and those around me. So many lives were lost during that time. We learned that our lives could change in an instant so live it up while we’re here. Time waits for no one so it’s up to us to make the time we spend on earth as fun and happy as possible. Trust me if you do, it’ll make it easier on the people who are left behind to grieve you.

If you’re currently experiencing grief due to the loss of a loved one, I pray for your strength, peace, and comfort during this time. I also pray that you don’t sit in despair for long. I pray that you can see the love, joy, and happiness that the person brought you and focus on that. I pray that you get to a place where you laugh more than you cry when you think of your loved one. I pray you become totally inappropriate with the way you grieve going forward so you can CELEBRATE the life of your loved one and get back to your own joy.

Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.