Do you fight fair?

When you’re arguing with your spouse or significant other, do you stick to the matter at hand or are you cheating and bringing up old stuff. Let’s talk about it.

My husband and I used to have KNOCK DOWN, DRAG EM OUT fights early in our marriage. I mean the kind where names were called, we didn’t speak for days, even weeks at a time. The type of arguments that would probably end most marriages. My mouth was RECKLESS, and he is NO punk so he would come right back with it. Honestly, looking back, I don’t know how our marriage survived because we had some doozies. I was a right fighter. So, I was fighting until he understood that I was RIGHT! Can you relate to these types of arguments? If so and you’re still battling with your partner, I’m going to give you some tips on how to fight fair.

I think all marriages, especially young marriages, will have the major blow ups. It’s natural. You are meshing two lives together and sometimes that can be difficult. You both want to be heard and want your feelings validated. That is totally understandable but when you’re fighting, it’s hard to be heard because most are focused on defending themselves.

One major tip when arguing is to LISTEN! Not listen to respond but LISTEN to your partner and see if what they’re saying resonates with you. Is what they’re saying true? For instance, let’s say a husband is telling his wife that she’s spending too much. Well wife, are you? If you are, are you accepting what your husband is saying or are you trying to defend it? Are you pointing out things he may be doing to get the subject off you? Are you listening to the reasons why he’s saying this and how it may be impacting him or the household? Or are you ignoring his feelings and just trying to prove why you need or deserve to spend so much? This is a common argument in a lot of marriages. I know it was in mine. My thought when my husband used to tell me this was “I WORK JUST LIKE YOU! I CAN SPEND WHAT I WANT TO SPEND!” But after I calmed down and really thought about it, I was spending just to spend. It wasn’t on anything that I necessarily needed or even wanted in some cases. I was just raised where I pretty much bought what I wanted, and I carried that into my marriage. So, after YEARS of having this same argument, I finally LISTENED to my husband, and he was right. It was making it harder for us to accomplish our goals and taking away from our household. He had a solution for the problem too that still allowed me to spend money without it impacting him or our family. If I had LISTENED during the first argument instead of waiting for him to take a breath so I could go in on him, I would have saved us a lot of grief in those early years. So, LISTEN when your significant other comes to you with an issue. You could save yourself a lot of heartache.

Another major problem couples have when they fight is bringing up old stuff. This can happen in a couple of different ways. One is you’re mentioning an issue that you all have already fought about, FORGAVE, and the other thought was resolved. But you’re bringing it up again. You can’t forgive your spouse for something you argued about and then throw it back up in their face? Who am I talking to with this one? Let’s use the money argument again. My husband may think it’s a done deal once I agreed to the terms but if I’m still feeling some type of way, I may bring up the finances again in an argument that could be about cleaning or something else. If you’re doing this, STOP! If you have something else to say about an issue that your spouse thought was resolved, go to them, and let them know that you still have some feelings that you’d like to discuss but it’s not fair or right for you to bring it up in an argument that’s about something totally different. This can do more damage than just extend the current argument. This can potentially lead to trust issues. If your partner has to continually think you’re going to bring up everything that they believe is resolved, they could stop talking about serious issues altogether. Which will most definitely lead to serious problems in the marriage. It could possibly lead to a divorce if your spouse feels they can’t talk to you. And what would be the point of them discussing anything with you if they can’t trust you to accept the mutual agreement you both decided upon?

Now if you’re one of those one who keeps a laundry list of stuff to argue about just waiting for one to occur, you REALLY need to stop that. I think that irritates me more than bringing up something old that we already discussed. Because now you’re expecting your significant other to remember what you’re talking about. I’m of the opinion that if you don’t bring that subject up within the week, you lose the privilege. Ain’t nobody got time to be trying to go thru a rolodex of memories trying to remember what you were mad about from 8 months ago. You should have said something 8 MONTHS AGO! Think about it. Would you want your boss bringing something up to you after 8 months and try to write you up about it? No, you would not, so don’t do it to your spouse. I’ve heard folks, mostly men, say they don’t want to argue so they don’t say nothing. Well, you need to say something because you don’t know for sure that it will lead to an argument. Every disagreement isn’t an argument. Secondly, if you don’t say something, your spouse is going to continue the behavior which is going to further annoy you. That is not fair to you or your spouse. How can they correct a behavior if they don’t know about it? FOR REAL! FOR REAL STOP doing that. Bring the issue up to your partner IMMEDIATELY so it can be managed before it becomes a bigger problem later. My husband used to do this to me because he doesn’t like to argue. I said can you please just say something because now I’m mad and it’s not because of what we’re fighting about but because you’re bringing up OLD STUFF! I should’ve thought about that a little longer because now he has no problem bringing up my issues. Lol But I actually appreciate it. He’s not holding it in, and I can change whatever behavior is driving him nuts. He didn’t have to worry about me holding it in because I’m the one who brings up something INSTANTLY to him if there’s a concern.

I mentioned not every issue needs to be an argument. I wish I knew this about 20 years ago. Lol It would have saved my husband and I a lot of grief. Like I said I was a RIGHT FIGHTER so whenever he came to me with something, I was ready for battle to prove to him that I was right, and he was wrong. That didn’t work out so well. We ended up having major arguments over the stupidest of things. I promise you, I can’t remember 99% of why we argued. They were just that small and I blew them up because I wanted to be right. Now we’re in a totally different space. Honestly, I got TIRED of arguing. It just stopped making sense because most of the time it was something so small and could easily be fixed if I LISTENED! So, I started listening to my husband and seeing if what he said was valid. If I was wrong, then I had to see what I needed to do to correct the behavior. My husband started approaching me differently too. He got into management and looking back he used some of the tactics he used with his employees on me. I only know that because when I got into management, he taught me so I could deal with my staff. It worked because I can count on one hand the arguments, we’ve had in the last 15 years. Now don’t get me wrong. We’ve had disagreements but we don’t have the blow ups we had previously. Now he says his peace, I say mine. We say how we’re going to resolve it and move on. And sometimes there isn’t a resolution and that’s alright. Agree to disagree and keep it pushing. Just like everything doesn’t need a comment, everything doesn’t have to have a resolution. You have to pick your battles and if it’s not a deal breaker, let it go. Life has been so much more peaceful in our household since we’ve taken this approach.

So, if you’re finding you and your partner fighting a lot, ask yourself why? Are you in a transition period (see my Marriage blog if you need to know what this is.) Is it the same argument over and over? If so, one of you aren’t listening. During the arguments are you responding to be right or are you responding to resolve? Big difference there. Make sure you’re trying to resolve the issue or get to as close to a resolution as possible so you’re not having the same arguments over again. If you can learn how to communicate in an argument, you will be able to communicate in almost any situation.

Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.