Birthday Reflections

My birthday is coming up and this is the time I use to reflect on the past year and how I want to move going forward. Let me start with what I learned about myself over the past year.

When I was turning 50 in 2020, I expected this big “change” to happen in my life. I don’t know if I thought I would become a totally different person or if the way I look at the world, the people around me would change. I don’t know what I expected but I thought I would CHANGE. I don’t know if it was because of the pandemic or if I was just late but nothing happened. I turned 50, the world shut down and life kind of went on pause. I thought my growth would be on pause as well. But I ended up learning a LOT about myself during the pandemic, like I’m sure a lot of others have as well. But what’s really strange is I learned a LOT more about myself and the people around me once the world started “opening” again.

One of the things the pandemic should have taught us was life is precious. At any moment, we could lose our life or someone close to us. That has always been the case, but I think the pandemic showed us just how vulnerable we all are, and we really need to spend our time wisely. I took this lesson to heart. I started paying more attention to what I was spending my time on and more importantly, WHO I was spending my time with. Whether it’s online, thru chats, in person, calls, etc. WHO I spent my time with and how those people impacted my life became extremely important to me.

I also found myself really starting to live the mantra “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. Things that used to bother me, no longer mattered. If it didn’t cause pain for anyone or cause us to lose money, it wasn't worth my time addressing it. For instance, my husband leaving the toilet seat up 1 time out of 50. Before I would mention it EVERY TIME, now I just put the seat down and carry on. It’s really not a big deal. Sure, it can be if I fall in during the middle of the night but even then, I’m not hurt, and no money was lost. It’s just inconvenient because now I’m taking a shower in the middle of the night but it’s not something worth getting upset over. I applied this to a lot of areas in my life. If one of my kids came over and forgot to take their shoes off, I just vacuumed when they left. Whereas before I was trying to break my neck to keep them from my carpets. I had to STOP letting these small things get to me because it was causing such turmoil within myself and that could lead to chaos for those around me. I found out I was not relaxing EVER! I was always looking around to see who was “breaking a rule” so I could pounce. And it was over the most ridiculous things. I learned to just let that stuff go and it led me to reflect on bigger issues within myself.

A couple of the biggest revelations that came to me was not everybody is going to respond the same way I would and not everything NEEDS A RESPONSE!! THAT was BIG for me. I am VERY opinionated so if I saw or heard something that I didn’t agree with or even if I did agree, I thought I needed to say something. Now I’m very intentional with my response IF I respond at all. If my opinion isn’t going to better the situation or help with a solution, I stay quiet. If there’s no impact to me or my family, I don’t need to say anything. It was hard at first because I was so used to saying something, now I literally stop myself and, in my head, I ask a few questions. The first one being, IS THIS MY BUSINESS? Does it impact my home, family, or finances? Will my response help the situation or am I talking just to be heard? 9 times out of 10, I end that self-conversation with “This isn’t your business so move on.” It has been the MOST FREEING experience to go thru. I have more peace within myself and with those around me. My husband has told me for years to basically shut up because not everything needed a response, but I didn’t listen. I should’ve because it would have saved me a lot of grief and heartache over the years. But I am so happy to have that now. My life is PEACEFUL!! I feel like I’m more in control now than I ever did before. I’m calm. My jaw isn’t tight all the time. My shoulders are relaxed. I’m HAPPY! I mean I’m truly and EXTREMELY happy! I smile a lot more. I laugh with my husband, kids, and friends more. I’m GENIUNENLY happy to see my kids walk thru the door. It’s not that I wasn’t happy before but the old me would see them coming and think to myself, I have to make sure they remember to take their shoes off. I have to make sure they don’t eat in the living room. I need to make sure the tablecloth is back in order. I need to make sure they rinse off any dishes they use. ALL of this ran thru my mind when I would hear one of them coming thru the door. If my gbabies were them, I’m thinking about the mess they’re going to make and me cleaning it up. ALL OF THAT is gone now. I’m so GRATEFUL that I was able to release all of that. Because now when I hear them come thru the door, I feel nothing but pure joy to see them. I don’t care about any of that other stuff. It will get cleaned when it gets cleaned. I just want to really enjoy the time with my family and find out what’s going on in their lives. Time is so precious, and I don’t want my kids to look back when I’m gone and say mom was more worried about the carpets and dishes than us and what’s going on in our lives. My kids are all grown now so I don’t have the access to them like I had when they lived here. So, I want my kids to WANT to come over and see me and not feel like they are obligated to do so. I don’t want them to only come over on holidays or special occasions. I want them to just be out and say I’m going to drop in on mom. I don’t know if they ever felt comfortable doing that if their dad wasn’t here. I think they know they are always welcomed here but I’m sure they wondered how mom was going to be today and if dad isn’t there, we’ll wait for him to come home. If this is how my children felt, I can’t blame anybody but myself because I created that environment for them. But I hope that they can see the change and progress I’ve made over the years. I’d like to think so because not too long ago, my youngest son unexpectantly stopped by and brought me lunch. We sat and talked for 2 hours. It was one of the best lunch dates I’ve ever had. I want more days and memories like that so I’m glad I have learned to let go of the small stuff.

This change in myself has caught a lot of people off guard. I think they are expecting me to say or do something in most situations and are surprised when I’m quiet as a church mouse. In some situations, I’ve felt like there’s been a pause in conversations because people are waiting for me to say something. So, when I don’t, they don’t know how to move forward. It’s like they had a response to what they THOUGHT I was going to say but since I said nothing, they don’t know what to do. It’s been funny in some situations because I know they don’t know what to think. Should they be scared or happy? And then I’ve found others who were actually mad that I didn’t react in a certain way. They thought I should have said something or handled a situation differently than the quiet stance I took. Some have pushed and when I did respond, they were more upset because they didn’t like what I had to say. But see here’s what I learned during this whole transition within myself. People don’t want you to respond unless you’re going to respond they way THEY want you to. Let me rephrase that….. FAKE PEOPLE are like this. FAKE PEOPLE don’t want you to be real with them if it’s going to deviate from the FAKE life they’ve created for themselves. So, they want to be able to control the narrative which means the response from folks around them. I had to learn that that is THEIR problem and not mine. I had to remove those people from my life and remove myself from situations where I could be put in this predicament. It’s not easy to do. It’s awesome to grow but there’s truth in that saying Growing Pains. It hurt when I had to let people go but it was necessary for me to maintain and grow in my newfound peace. I don’t want people around me who are going to drain me emotionally or interrupt my joy. I have learned my “tells” when someone or something is about to disturb my peace. I never noticed it before because I now know I was in that state constantly. But whenever I’m getting ready to see someone or somebody comes around, I get a message, call, or text, if my jaw starts to tighten, if my shoulders start to creep up to my ears, if I start to sink into myself, it’s time to remove myself from the situation or excuse the person from my presence or life, depending on the circumstances. I just REFUSE to allow my energy and peace to be disrupted by ANYBODY or ANYTHING! Now I’m not saying my life is all unicorns and rainbows. I go thru stuff. I have my issues. We have our family problems, etc. like everybody else. And some things and people I will have to deal with. I know this and I’m ok with that because I know tough times won’t last forever. I also know that the people that are in my life that are IMPORTANT enough to put me in these situations are REAL! So, if we’re having an issue, we will be able to resolve it because they will be real with me and vice versa. So, I’m not saying I just toss aside ANYBODY who may upset me. I’m saying I’m not dealing with the ones that don’t matter! That may seem harsh but sometimes you must take this approach to set boundaries. YOU and ONLY YOU have control of your feelings. So, if you want to experience joy, you have to put yourself in situations where you can have that. You can’t have joy and chaos living in the same space. You just can’t! Well let me take that back… unless chaos is your joy then I guess you can. BUT I CANNOT! So, if something is bringing discord to my life, it’s got to go! I’m either going to work on a resolution with myself, someone in my life or I’m dropping it from my life altogether. But one or the other, I’m getting my joy back AS QUICKLY as possible.

So, as I prepare to turn 52, one of my goals this year is to keep growing in this space. I am going to continue to pray that God reveal to me the things in my life that mean me harm or no longer serve me. I’m going to continue to pray that God bring people and situations to me that make me happy. I am going to continue to nurture the really good friendships I have. I have been blessed with some awesome friends and I have 4 REALLY GOOD girlfriends who I ADORE! They each bring something different to my life and I need EACH ONE OF THEM! I’m going to keep showing my children this new “mom” so our relationships can deepen. Regardless of how some may feel, I’m going to keep putting up the necessary boundaries and saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Therefore, for my 52nd birthday, I’m giving myself the best gift and that’s ME!! I’m going to LOVE ME the best way I know how to. I’m going to look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU! When’s the last time you told yourself how proud you are of how far you’ve come? When’s the last time you’ve told yourself how grateful you are for all that you do for yourself? If you’re like I was, it’s been a while. Let’s make this our new normal! Every time you eat right, exercise, take a mental day, rest, laugh, smile and make others smile, be proud of yourself! You don’t have to do something grand in the world to be proud. Take EVERY WIN and celebrate it! It’s GRAND TO YOU so be proud of it!! Start to love on yourself like REALLY love on yourself and watch how your world and the world around you changes.

Shout out to all my fellow Pisces!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.